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How to Cut a Pineapple AND Dare of the Day (NSFW)

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Ahhhhh, the pineapple! For so many reasons, it’s my favorite fruit. It’s delicious. It stays fresh for weeks. It’s a symbol of hospitality and friendship. It makes you taste sweet down there (for both women and men! Truly! Mom and Dad, aren’t you glad you shared this web address with all your friends?) You know what’s coming next…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re expecting the Dare of the Day, aren’t you? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! Jeesh, you’re sick. I was just going to dare you to eat an entire pineapple and then take a 45 minute subway ride!

Buuuut, since you went there anyway, I might as well just say what we are both now thinking…

I dare you to snack on nothing but asparagus, cigarettes, and coffee for two days. Ask your partner to give you *treats and use the guide below to gauge how you taste.

 

Then, snack on nothing but pineapple for two days. Repeat assessment.

From a purely scientific standpoint, I’d love to hear your results. Unless you’re my Mom or Dad, and then please do not respond. In fact, I officially TAKE THE DARE BACK for my Mom and Dad.

OK. Back to the pineapple. How did I get so sidetracked? Oh, right, your filthy mind and the wonders of enzymes.

I’m pretty sure a lot more people would eat pineapple if they knew just how easy it is to slice! It is an intimidating fruit, what with its rather hostile exterior that will snag your pantyhose if brushed against them (true story) and Andre the Giant core. But there is a trick! YOU CAN CUT UP A PINEAPPLE IN TWO MINUTES OR LESS. Here’s how:

1. Lay pineapple on side. Cut off both ends.

2. Stand pineapple up and slice in half.

3. One at a time, stand up each half and again slice in half lengthwise (to get four quarters).

4. One at a time, stand up each quarter and slice the vertex opposite the skin, thus removing the core.

5. Lay the quarters down, flesh side up. Make 1/2 inch cuts from one end to the other, being careful NOT to cut all the way through the skin.

6. Make perpendicular cuts to size you prefer (I will make three lengthwise cuts), again making sure you don’t go through skin.

7. Place knife at narrow end, just above skin. Holding flesh in place to contain chunks, cut across.

Ta-da!

Once you get the hang of this, I promise it will take you no longer than slicing melon. Enjoy!

xo

(Check back soon to see Hawaiian turkey burgers topped with…pineapple!)

*treats: Katie Homant coined term for oral sex. I did put NSFW in the title…

 

 

 

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About chicsmarts

favorite curiosities: taxidermy, dia de los muertos, teacups, bbq, general oddities, three tier cakes, and anything that sparkles.

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